so you’ve been publicly, ever so slightly, shaded

another year almost over, another micro-aggression over social media.

i should take this with a grain of salt. because people are people and tbh, everyone is just trying to live their best life.

so as usual: you do you. and i do me.

it got me thinking though: am i living my best life?

a friend of mine sent me an app which offers a daily meditation exercise. three days in, and i can say that it offers a respite from negative thoughts. i have been accused, several times, of being a negatron and debbie downer. i have also been accused of loving the drama. (i swear it loves me, char.) #shrug

anyway, the app: as the first thing i read in the morning, it allows me to reflect…

and they’re pretty harmless reflections.

day 1: what do you want to accomplish in 2020?
day 2: who helped make 2019 a better year?
day 3: what is your motivation in reflecting with <the app> Cactus?

today, i woke up with the intention to visit a coffee shop (coffee project) X bookstore (fullybooked) aka coffee project black. we were all supposed to go — my sister, my brother, me, our close family friend L. it was supposed to be pretty much a family outing — we rarely do that, and we weren’t together for christmas, and will likely not be together for new year’s. so yay, right?

it was my idea — i needed to buy a book from fullybooked and someone from my book club posted the place as a viable option. plus, i’ve always dreamed of a coffee shop and bookstore collab, and this was the first one from my fave bookstore where you can actually read the books (not buy the books then read, or just read far far far away from the coffee and food) so bookworm that i am: egggsoited!

a wrinkle though: mother was feeling poorly and someone had to stay with her. my sister elected to stay. (mom’s okay btw, temporary upset, but so far so good and we’re monitoring her vitals – no fever, BP pretty much as usual, respiration on account of phlegm manged via meds.)

so off we went. the kuyas (for all that i never call my brother M “kuya” and L is actually my age) decided to treat me. yay, right? sadly, the book i wanted (a present for someone) wasn’t there, but they told me it’s available at ATC and BHS, so i guess i’ll get it at BHS.

the place was lovely though. plenty of comfy seating, good lighting, a combo of wide spaces and small nooks. free use of the bathroom (ha! you’d be surprised how stingy some places can be), free use of wifi for customers (medyo mabagal though). i brought my own book, but i could pick and choose from those overflowing the counter-tops and the shelves all over the place. something as expensive as P1,900+ hardbound that i wouldn’t buy without feeling the pinch, i can check out for free, while having a cuppa. good ambience for chatting, not too noisy, good music, nice vibe.

we went around a bit. took in what’s available. i bought more presents for people (andami kong kilala pala sa mundo, char) from market liberty. elsewhere, we saw and liked the space dedicated to a day care center of sorts, where you can leave your kid while you take care of whatever needed to be taken care of.

the air-con was on full blast so my sinuses acted up and i ended up buying tissue at miniso, home of all cute things (and i also ended up buying another present — if i don’t give you a present, it’s either ‘coz i’ve run out of money or i couldn’t find anything that you would like. peace).

so where was i? oh yeah. we also went to the grocery because the guys needed a couple of things. then: home with a pit-stop to buy mother’s meds.

generally a positive day — if you discount the fact that friends on my feed have taken a stand to boycott the same place i went to because it’s owned by the villars. live and let live, right?

it sent me on a shame spiral.

the kind that made me look into every purchase i’ve made and establishment i’ve patronized and go:
– this one was part of that endo list.
– this one shoulda been part of that endo list.
– this one used to belong to some other guys but since 2018 has belonged to a supporter of rodrigo duterte.
– oh i never bought any cars from this guy, but he’s also a supporter of duterte.
– i don’t buy gas from this guy, but i met him pre-duterte and wrote an article about him, and how do i know if the bus or jeep or fx i ride on hasn’t bought from his establishment?
– and anyway, shit, if we’re gonna go there, why don’t we do an audit of everything in my house right now and all the people i’ve written or write for — do i know their political leanings?
– what about the plastics i use? the cotton! i wear reusable sanitary pads, but on work days, i use the regular pads.
– i’m single and childless, yay for me, no kid to generate a bigger carbon footprint, but i buy my mother’s diapers. how many landfills have i filled with diapers? and hell, the cat litter! i buy the affordable kind that works for my cats and keeps my house from becoming too much of a wreck!
i mean it’s not organic!

and so on and so forth.

i had to stop the shame spiral.

because: i am living the best life that i can at the moment.
i have a job that entails working with companies who want to improve on their environment, social, and governance performance.
i make my vote count.
i seek to make my voice count.
and i have, where able, done what i can to not cause damage. as much as i am able. notwithstanding inconsistently googling every board of directors/trustees and checking who is earning from my patronage. (for the clients i have, i actually know the BoD/BoT, and have seen more SEC-17As than the usual person.).

i can live with the choices i make. most of them.

and today was really about spending time with people, not raging against the machine. been there. done that.

live and let live.

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